Legion is a collage of many other movies that came before it. There are elements of The Prophecy, The Terminator, Night Of The Living Dead, Maximum Overdrive, and any mumber of demonic possession movies. It's basically a B-movie with a budget, perfect for a rainy afternoon. What the movie lacks in well-thought-out, plot hole-free storytelling, it makes up for in popcorn action and an unobtrusive sense of selfawareness. It isn't trying to be an epic. It's trying to be a fun time at the movies.
The gist is this: God realized one morning that humans are wasting their existence with wars and crime and hatred. All those things that get attributed to "human nature." So he sends his angels to Earth on a mission of extermination. Particularly crucial to this task is the killing of an unborn child in a desert truck stop. If you want to kill roaches you've gotta kill the eggs too. This kid will grow up to save the human race. His name will be John Connor or Jesus: Part II. The Archangel Michael disagrees with God's plan and severs ties with his wings and the holy community in order to fight in defense of the human race. With badass machine guns and knives. Can Michael show God the error of his ways?
I think the makers of Legion grew up watching a lot of genre movies and kept many of their influences on their sleeves while making it. It feels sort of nostalgic for a time when horror and sci-fi could just have a premise and competent actors and keep you entertained for an hour and a half, no strings attached.
With that said, the movie isn't perfect by any means. The first half is a lot of fun. The last half kind of drags. There is a great deal of lost potential when there is an army of demons that don't do much of anything but get mowed down in droves by machine guns. The characters were defined just enough to know everyone's role in the apocolyptic situation at hand. Oddly enough the least defined characters are the two leads, the pregnant waitress and the kid from Sling Blade.
I would watch another one of these but if they want to make a part 2 they'll need to up the ante. I would like to see what was happening to the rest of the world during this angelic extermination. You know, big city batte scenes, stylized end of the world sort of stuff, more demons.
I know they aren't demons. They're angels. But whatever.
I'll give Legion today's arbitrary rating of 758 Terminator homages out of 1322.
The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Now there's a great title. It's pretty much a sequel to Dracula 1972 A.D. but instead of hip and groovy young people there is a cult of doughy old Englishmen and busty ladies working together to bring about a new plague. Dracula's big scheme is to take the entire world out in order end his own cursed existence. Van Helsing calls it "a last blaze of utter horror and violence, a ghastly annihilation of an entire planet." It's the ultimate murder suicide. And it's ironic that Cushing would be annihilating planets in Star Wars a few years later.
It has all the important ingredients of a 70s satanist/occult movie: pentagrams, black masses, old men in robes, blood, boobies, bad haircuts. But it also throws Dracula and Van Helsing into the mix for good measure. Peter Cushing once again gives an entertaining performance as Van Helsing. The more movies I see him in, the more I'm starting to believe he can do no wrong. Even if he is in the background of the most mundane scene, he can still grab my attention with something he's doing. He can deliver the absurdest of dialogue and make it seem authoritative.
Christopher Lee is back as Dracula. He gets to have fog machine assisted entrances and cool lighting but he also gets to sit behind a desk like a James Bond villain, which, coincidentally, he actually was in The Man With The Golden Gun.
I haven't seen all of the Lee/Cushing Dracula movies but I bet they all try to have a new twist on killing the bloodsucker. Stakes through the heart are fine and dandy the first time around. By the eleventh or twelfth outing it might get stale. So this time around we learn that Dracula gets really annoyed by thorns. Because Jesus wore a crown of thorns. And he didn't like it either. This information comes in handy when Van Helsing lures Dracula onto his own front lawn and through the big patch of prickly bushes. With all of the minions and henchmen that Dracula had in this movie you would think he would have had one of them do some landscaping around the compound. Maybe remove some of the things that are harmful to the eternal, blood-drinking undead. Instead Dracula gets tangle like a sap and Van Helsing stakes him.
Speaking of the minions . . . in addition to the pasty old Englishmen in robes Dracula has these guys who all wear matching sheep vests. One of them gets shot off of his motorcycle in an early scene and sends it crashing through a gate. It's pretty sweet. And we get a pretty good "guy on fire" stunt towards the end. For bonus points the guy on fire is simultaneously rotting away from the super bubonic plague.
There are also the brides of Dracula chained up in the cellar. Drac's big plan is to deplete his food source by ridding the world of humanity and possibly end his own existence. But if it doesn't work it will only be he and his wives living in an empty planet. He'll spend eternity doing "take my wife, please" jokes to an auditorium of skeletons he set up one afternoon. Hi yo!
I mentioned that thorns can hurt Dracula. Silver is also detrimental to a vampire's existence. Van Helsing gets an awesome scene where he makes his own silver bullet. He makes the tiniest little bullet you've ever seen. And then he loads it into the tiniest pistol you've ever seen. It's really funny. And of course Peter Cushing pulls it off and you believe he can go and kill Dracula using this thimble with a trigger. It's such a gentlemanly threat seeing Van Helsing with his teeny gun. High school girls with Hello Kitty backpacks would buy these tiny bullets at Newbury Comics because they deemed them "cute."
It's a 70s occult horror movie dressed as a 70s vampire movie. Check it out if that's your thing. Or if you are a fan of very little guns. I'll give The Satanic Rites of Dracula today's arbitrary rating of 9 tiny little silver bullets out of 15.
Summer is over and Fall has officially fallen. I didn't get to the movies as much as I would have liked but that was partially due to the fact there weren't a lot of movies that warranted my eleven dollars per pop. Though the two movies that I looked forward to the most certainly did deliver.
The Expendables was my number one most anticipated movie of the Summer. It promised a lot and didn't let me down. What can I say at this point that hasn't already been said? Look at the cast and if you say to yourself, "this sounds like the greatest movie ever made," then certainly go see it. If you look at that cast and say, "aren't those guys old farts?" then go see it anyway. You might be surprised. Decades of action movie experience are put into this baby and it's done with care, love, and explosions. Now if you look at that cast and say, "this looks like the stupidest movie ever. I would never watch that in a million years," then we just don't see eye to eye, my friend (if I can indeed still call you that).
Story-wise The Expendables is a pretty straightforward movie. A team of elite tough dude mercenaries go to South America to overthrow a cruel puppet dictator whose strings are being pulled by smarmy American Eric Roberts. Blood is shed, things are blown up, quips are made, fights are had, America wins. Certainly a great time at the movie theater. I'm so glad to see Stallone's recent track record looking so strong and seeing Dolph Lundgren on the big screen was a treat. The Expendables gets a billion blown up bad dudes out of a billion. Bring on the sequel.
Machete was a movie I had been waiting for since the phony trailer in Grindhouse. Did it deliver? In many ways yes. It's main flaw was that it was almost too ambitious. Whereas it should have been more like Desperado, it was actually more like Once Upon A Time in Mexico. Now if that is the main complaint, then we are still dealing with a great piece of entertainment. It opened strong right out of the gate but it lacked the stylistic flairs that should have permeated the entire affair. In a way it felt more modern then it should have. And the ending battle felt a little anticlimactic.
But the goods outnumber the bads here, for sure. First of all, Danny Trejo in a starring role gives it points. Robert Deniro having fun hamming it up as a corrupt senator also gives it points. Jeff Fahey as the villain with the most face time, holding the ship on a steady course, definitely gets points. Steven Seagal's last scene most certainly gets points. Combine all that with over the top violence, commentary on border issues, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and Danny Trejo bedding every woman he encounters like James Bond and you have a recipe for a good time at the movies. Once again I'll say, "bring on the sequel." Trejo is ready and able to be a leading man, especially in exploitation-style action movies. I can see him taking up the Golan Globus-era Charles Bronson mantle.
Machete gets my arbitrary rating of 870 Danny Trejo face creases out of 963.
Oh I almost forgot. The A Team came out this summer as well.
I'll put it this way. If you like the show, you'll enjoy the movie. Unless of course you love the show and you can't imagine a world without Dirk Benedict. It was an excellent popcorn action movie. The characters were pretty spot on, although I found B.A. Baracus a little forgettable. So you have Darkman, Handsome Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, and a guy with Mr. T's haircut and a lot of explosions and witty banter. It's either the kind of movie you'll like for what it is or you won't. Did you see the trailer? If you saw a tank being parachuted out of a plane and thought it was a great idea, then this movie is right up your alley. And tanks shooting down planes while falling from the sky is definitely up my alley. That's an idea I can get behind.
The A Team was a fun action movie that tided me over while I waited for The Expendables. Once again . . . bring on the sequel. As Long as Darkman is still in it. My arbitrary rating system gives The A Team 17 plans coming together out of 21.
For Father's Day I had made a list of the worst onscreen dads. I suppose that wasn't quite in the spirit of the day. So here's the flip side: a list of the dads who go above and beyond the call of mandatory child support payments!
HONORABLE MENTION: The Inventor from Edward Scissorhands I like The Inventor partially because he seems so kind and pleasant, but mostly because he's Vincent Price. The scene where he gives Edward hands for Christmas is the reason he's the Honorable Mention. Giving him scissors instead of hands in the first place is why he isn't even on the list. How do you expect Edward to wipe, you maniac?
#10: Thornton Melon from Back to School The epitome of the American success story, he has good intentions and only wants the best for his son. He'll use his wealth to give his kid the opportunities and material possessions that he never had. Plus he hangs out with Burt Young, hires Kurt Vonnegut to do his homework, and can do the Triple Lindy.
#9: Mr. Malloy from Freddy Got Fingered He always spends time with his son and politely tries to shelter him from the antics of his crazy neighbors. He has a moustache and a shiny bald head. He takes his little boy to a very fancy restaurant for his birthday and even lets him get cake! Yay!
#8: Furious Styles from Boyz N The Hood First, Furious gets points for being there in the first place. He might be the only dad in the neighborhood that we see in the movie. Second, he teaches his son the importance of responsibility and education. He does his best to direct Tre away from the pitfalls of life on the streets but he also knows his son needs to make his own choices. And his name is Furious.
#7: Lincoln Hawk from Over The Top If Over the Top teaches us anything it's that not even Robert Loggia and his money can stop Lincoln Hawk's love for his son. Maybe dad's been gone for ten years, kid, but your mom just died so you're running out of parental options. So saddle up and let's arm wrestle!
#6: Jack Butler from Mr. Mom He's a trailblazer in the stay-at-home dad movement. What a crazy scenario at the time: a dad raises the kids while the mom works!?! Spit takes and fallen monocles across America. I honestly haven't seen this in years so my memory is a little foggy, but I seem to recall that he should be wary of Martin Mull who is trying to sleep with his wife.
#5: Mister Geppetto from Pinocchio In some ways he is a very negligent father. He sends Pinocchio to school alone on his first day of being alive, for instance. But we can look past that and see a loving and caring man. It takes a great father to extend the search for your missing puppet-boy to the high seas. And when he is consumed by a whale, his thoughts are still focused on finding Pinocchio, the son he made with his own two hands.
#4: Damon Macready/Big Daddy from Kick Ass No father has ever shot his daughter in the chest with as much love as Big Daddy. He teaches his little girl the ins and outs of crime fighting and killing but is still an old softy and can take her out for an ice cream. They spend quality time together shopping for weapons and seeking revenge.
#3: Ed Harley from Pumpkinhead The entire plot of the movie hinges on Ed Harley's love for his son. There are scenes early on that present us with their relationship and in them we see an inseparable father and son. He can be strict, but never uncaring. He and his son are each other's world. So when some city slickers accidentally kill his boy, he is willing to sacrifice his own soul to conjure the demon of vengeance.
#2: Clark Griswold from the Vacation movies Forever optimistic that he can realize some sort of romanticized Norman Rockwell American family moment, Clark Griswold endures the hardships of travel and family gatherings with a clenched smile. His goals are always family-oriented and he has a never say die attitude to family fun. No matter how elusive it may be.
#1: John Matrix from Commando He's the greatest dad ever. He and his daughter live a tranquil life of tickling, fishing, swimming, practicing hand-to-hand combat, feeding the wildlife, and eating ice cream. But when some genius decides to kidnap his little girl, Matrix has to go on a killing rampage. He'll do whatever it takes to get his daughter back safe and sound.
Since it's Father's Day I think we should make all of the real life fathers out there look a little better by comparison to these terrible movie dads. You don't like your pop? Well how would you like one of these assholes instead?
Honorable Mention: The Dads of The Breakfast Club Whether they are overbearing or totally oblivious, the parents in The Breakfast Club have helped screw up their kids as much as any other aspect of high school life.
#10: William Munny from Unforgiven He's a widower with two young kids and a small farm. So he takes off with some dudes to go kill some other dudes to collect the bounty on their heads. He basically leaves his kids alone to go off on a get rich quick scheme. Great movie, terrible dad.
#9: Bill from Kill Bill He may have been a great dad at home with his little girl. That doesn't change the fact that he shot the mother of his child in the head when she was in the final stretch of her pregnancy.
#8: Jack Torrance from The Shining He's got a short temper and had already hurt his son before the events of the movie. Add some cabin fever and some malevolent ghosts to push him over the edge and soon enough he's chasing his son with an ax. Happens to the best of us.
#7: Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects If you came home to find that your wife had been raped and one of your children had been murdered by a Hungarian mob that wanted you out of town would you: a) salvage what's left of your family and repent your evil ways, b) go out fighting while trying to save your family, or c) kill your own wife and kid to send a message back to the message senders? Keyser Soze picked C.
#6: Ed Wilson from Natural Born Killers He's abusive and lecherous to his daughter. He doesn't get much screen time but he makes the most of that time to let us all know that he's a repulsive man and horrible father. No respect, I tell ya. No respect.
#5: Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood It's always a bad start to the father/son relationship when your only interest in having (AKA stealing) a son is to put forth a particular business image. All that H.W. is for his father is a marketing tool and a gimmick. By the time Daniel has reached the gutter of his madness, he dismisses his adopted boy as a "bastard in a basket" and severs ties. And he was always drinking H.W.'s milkshakes.
#4: Denethor from Return of the King In the ultimate display of "Dad Liked You Better," Faramir leads troops on a suicide mission at his father's request to prove his love and allegiance. He does this even after Denethor admits that he wishes that Faramir was dead and that his brother, Boromir, was still alive. Then when Faramir comes home in need of serious medical attention Denethor decides to ignite his still breathing body in a funeral pyre.
#3: Karl's Dad from Sling Blade What kind of dad has two thumbs and keeps his son in a dirt-floor shed outside the house and then one day hands him a box with an almost-aborted baby brother in it to bury alive out back? This dad!
#2: Darth Vader from That Movie About The Spaceships Probably the most iconic deadbeat dad ever, Darth Vader blows up innocent planets, chops off his son's hand, threatens to corrupt both of his children's moral characters by bringing them to The Dark Side, and strangles people with his mind. He sounds kind of awesome. And he is. Until you learn of his whiny early years in the new trilogy. Either way, he's not parenting material. Come to think of it, he was a better father to C3PO (when he invented him as a child for some reason) than he was to either of his biological children and he ended up leaving him behind too. Vicious cycle.
#1: Daniel Hillard from Mrs. Doubtfire Here's the deal if you're Daniel Hillard: Your wife divorces you because you are a bad father. So you dress up like an elderly woman to infiltrate the family again. You interfere in your ex-wife's love life and lie to your kids every time you see them. Then one night at a fancy dinner, you get hammered, try to kill Pierce Brosnan with cayenne pepper, and tear off your old woman face to traumatize your youngest daughter and hopefully scare your ex-wife into loving you again. This is the twisted psyche of a dangerous sociopath.
When I saw the trailer for Harry Brown my first impression was that somebody had remade Death Wish 3 with Michael Caine without telling him what they were up to. That assessment is not too far off. Most vigilante movies are running similar courses anyway but the plot as presented in the preview was particularly Death Wish 3-ish. A man on the higher numerical spectrum of believable action heroes becomes a vigilante after his good friend is killed by the street toughs. In Death Wish 3 it's wonderfully cartoony and it is one of the most entertaining experiences you will have with your friends at Golan-Globus. In Harry Brown everything is darker and grimmer. It was like they took the plot of Death Wish 3 and ran it through the grittier atmosphere of the first Death Wish.
Harry Brown opens with a pretty hard hitting scene. Shot in the point of view of a thug's cell phone camera, we get a visceral introduction to the neighborhood. It is a world where senseless violence prevails. The heart of this world is a pedestrian walkway where the gang can be seen by day and heard from its innards at night. Harry Brown has to go out of his way everyday when he visits his wife in the hospital.
His wife passes away and shortly after his only friend, another old timer, gets killed by the gang. This is where the movie steps away from most vigilante cliches. Harry Brown doesn't dwell on these facts and slowly become violent against his nature. Harry embraces what he has been in the past and falls back very easily into violence. He used to be a soldier but once he met his wife he quit his violent tendencies cold turkey. Now without her there, he comfortably relapses. After his first incident with one of the gang members, Harry is not the embodiment of panicked nerves and crying remorse that we have seen in countless vigilante tales. He covers his tracks carefully and relies on the anonymity of the elderly.
Violence as a drug is a theme that runs throughout the movie. So much so that we see a whithered junkie fire a gun and then smoke his stash right through the barrel. The movie is about Harry's relapse and society's addiction. And these addictions escalate throughout the movie.
And as for that whithered junkie I mentioned, he is one of the creepiest looking guys you'll find in a movie like this. His skeletal frame was covered with nasty veins, bruises, and track marks. He looked a lot like Billy Drago if he was dying of AIDS.
Michael Caine does a very good job and is believable in his role, which was a concern I had going in. He lends credibility and depth to what could be a very standard vigilante movie. He only gets about two or three scenes to give us a picture of his decades-long marriage and he nails it. He not only delivers the emotional hook but the action as well. They don't overdo it. They keep it realistic. Harry is an old man with emphysema. He's not doing back flips off roofs or anything. Although I would have loved to see that movie too.
If you like vigilante movies, then there is no reason you shouldn't check this out. And I hope Christopher Nolan is paying attention, because I think it's time Batman learns what his butler is capable of. I give Harry Brown today's arbitrary rating of 9 arthritic trigger fingers out of 11.
I'll take a short break from packing up my house to quickly write about the Dracula Double Feature I treated myself to last week. First up was Horror of Dracula, the first movie for Christopher Lee to suck blood as the famous vampire. If you are familiar with the basic Dracula story or have seen other Dracula movies then you will know what to expect plotwise. The scenery and the performances are what make this one stand out as something special.
As big a fan I am of the classic Universal monster movies, I must admit I have never really delved into the Hammer horror movies. I think I am going to enjoy digging into their catalogue in the future. Christopher Lee is probably the most famous Dracula aside from Bela Legosi so I was very interested to see his take on it. To my surprise, he gives a very restrained, natural persona to the Count (when he isn't in blood thirsty vampire mode, that is). There was no booming bass in his voice to which I've grown accustomed from Lee. His stately demeanor allowed the transformation to be much more startling when his red eyes glare over his protruding fangs.
The real star of the show, though, is Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. He has a cocky coolness to him and carries the movie. He's so cool that when it comes time for Van Helsing and Drac to throw down at the end, you kind of feel that Dracula doesn't stand a chance. Van Helsing is seemingly the only guy on the planet who knows what he's doing when it comes to fighting a vampire. I had complete faith in him. Dracula's toast. (That means Dracula is toast. It is not a cross promotional breakfast treat)
But Drac isn't toast for too long since Dracula AD 1972 sees the Count resurrected in London.
Since I haven't seen the numerous other Christopher Lee Dracula movies, I don't know how much continuity there is between them, but this stands alone well enough. Something tells me this was a last straw, out-of-the-box attempt to get the swinging London kids interested in spending their time and money on Dracula. I wonder if, at the time, sending Dracula to the 70s was like sending Jason to space?
In Dracula AD 1972, a group of groovy kids are hanging out, being hip, looking to do something really boss. One of these kids just happens to have the last name Van Helsing. And her grandfather just happens to be Peter Cushing. Another kid in the group happens to be a Dracula minion and is determined to resurrect his master. You see, several generations ago Dracula and Van Helsing were having an epic fight on top of a runaway horse-drawn carriage. Van Helsing gets the win and Dracula gets buried in holy ground.
When Dracula gets woken up he realizes how delicious Van Helsing's ancestors would be. He wants to eat Peter Cushing's busty 1970s granddaughter. An awesome 70s soundtrack plays while the Van Helsings and Dracula do their eternal dance. It's pretty fun.
I enjoyed my Dracula Double Feature and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the Hammer horror movies. I'll the give the entire late night experience today's arbitrary rating of 4 stakes through the heart out of 5.
Bad Lieutenant can be hard to watch. It's dark, realistic, and depressing. The main character, a corrupt cop junkie, seems to have no redeeming qualities. But this movie has balls. Metaphorically it has balls because of its blunt portrayal of its subject. Literally it has balls because I saw Harvey Keitel naked.
There isn't any one particular scene that stands out as the sole incriminating piece of evidence to earn the movie its NC-17 rating, but rather the collection of scenes as a whole. It is the entirety of its scenes strewn together, inside of which there is no room for levity or even, perhaps, relaxed breathing. The word "unrelenting" comes to mind. It is a character study of a human train wreck that begins after the initial derailment. We don't get to see what made this cop how he is or how he has maintained a family being the way he is. He just is. And we are allowed to view the drawn out details all the way down to the needle holes.
Since it plays almost documentary-like, we are exposed to scene after scene of drug use and depravity. And because of this narrative structure, the character development actually feels more natural than it otherwise might. We see Keitel's character hit rock bottom and have a crisis of faith of sorts but it doesn't feel cliched. But on the other hand, it doesn't feel satisfying.
It's a difficult movie to watch but if you are interested in intense or unique acting performances then this is definitely worth checking out. I can't imagine that Bad Lieutenant could have been a walk in the park for Harvey Keitel (or any other actor) and he really does a great job in it. He plays a real piece of shit. And I mean that as a compliment.
Today's arbitrary rating declares Bad Lieutenant a five star performance of a zero star lifestyle.
There are characters that you love to hate and then there are characters that you hate to watch. It's a precarious tightrope walk for a character to be so much of an asshole that you hate him and yet be appealing enough to keep you watching and be entertained. Redeeming qualities be damned! Take a look at these ten A-plus A-holes:
HONORABLE MENTION Bruce Campbell as "Snooty Usher" in Spiderman 2 Snooty Usher is the only fiend dastardly enough to defeat Spiderman in any of the three Spiderman movies. And he does it by exploiting his minimal amount of authority to its fullest. He's condescending and self important. And that makes for a great movie A-hole.
#10 Rodney Farva in Super Troopers Rod Farva is a near perfect "asshole" character. He's loud and obnoxious. None of the other characters like or respect him. They barely tolerate him. Anywhere he goes he is bound to cause some sort of disruption. And yet he still thinks he is cooler, funnier, and smarter than everybody else. He's the asshole who thinks he's cool. And that makes for great entertainment.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Wearing his local cop uniform after getting the station shutdown. Not since the treasonous Benedict Arnold plotted to blah blah blah . . . But really it's when he sprays Schlitz everywhere yelling, "FARVA'S NUMBER ONE! FARVA'S NUMBER ONE!"
#9 Roland Alexander in Beyond The Mat This guy is a tub of crap. An accountant who runs an indie wrestling school and promotion, he comes off as a con artist exploiting the dreams of some young aspiring pro wrestlers. Everything about him is sleazy. When he wells up some crocodile tears while thinking of the travesty of some of his students not having pro contracts it makes for one of the best parts of the movie.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Cut in directly after testimony from one of his wrestlers that they sometimes don't get paid at all is a clip of Alexander saying, "they're getting paid after every show and they're lovin' it." He goes on to talk about how generous he is with his payouts.
#8 Lester Diamond in Casino Maybe he's more of a scumbag than an asshole, but I wanted to put him on the list anyway. He's the type of manipulative asshole that can wrap a girl around his finger while everyone else can't figure out what she sees in him. It's so much fun watching this character pretend to be more in control than he actually is. And besides, look at that moustache.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: While trying to plan Ginger's spiteful revenge on her husband by taking their daughter away from him, Lester deteriorates into frustration. The little girl shows him no respect and she can clearly see that this guy is a joke. (And yes, I do realize Joe Pesci was technically a way bigger asshole in Casino. But let me say again in my defense: Look at that moustache.)
#7 Rostov in Invasion USA Rostov might seem like any other action movie bad guy. He's a terrorist who wants to launch an armed invasion of the United States. He has henchmen at his disposal, a cold heart, and a score to settle with Chuck Norris. But where he differs from your standard action movie villain is that he seems to love shooting people multiple times directly in the penis.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Every time he shoots a guy twenty times in the pecker.
#6 Walter Peck in Ghostbusters Walter Peck, the smug face of the EPA, is the kind of asshole who thinks he knows what's best for everybody else without actually knowing a thing. He just can't have faith that four guys with nuclear devices in New York City know what they are doing.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Shutting down the containment unit. And then he has the nerve to play the blame game with the Ghostbusters. It's true. This man has no dick. He must have had a run in with Rostov.
#5 Harry Cooper in Night of the Living Dead Here is another guy who is so sure that he knows what's best for everyone else. He is stubborn to an extreme degree and the crisis at hand is only exacerbating his attitude. His wife clearly doesn't think much of him and neither does anybody else. But imagine how boring the movie would be without him there insisting that the basement was the safest place and that everybody else was an idiot. To his credit, he was kind of right about the basement.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Staying in the cellar for the first 40 minutes of the movie while Ben and Barbara fight for their lives and fortify the house could be construed as a strategic survival tactic, so I'm going to go with Ben kicking in the door to see Harry on his way to the cellar. Harry was caught red handed leaving Ben for (the) dead.
#4 Mr. Vernon in The Breakfast Club Whereas Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off could be sympathetically seen as a man pushed to his limits by a renegade bad-seed teenager, I think Dick Vernon has some deeper issues driving him. Mr. Vernon abuses his power to intimidate his students. He's taking out his problems on these kids. He feels like a big man being master of his little world.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Begging for Bender to punch him.
#3 Captain Rhodes in Day of the Dead Sometimes somebody can be such an asshole that his evisceration at the hands of the living dead is met with rapturous applause. Living underground with a small group that may be all that is left of humanity while millions of walking corpses roam topside can put a damper on anybody's attitude. But Captain Rhodes has officially lost his shit. He practically screams everything he says and what isn't shouted is spat through clenched teeth. He is trying to control an uncontrollable situation.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Commanding one of his men to shoot a woman who won't sit down.
#2 Doyle Hargraves in Slingblade The first time I watched Dwight Yoakam in Slingblade I thought that if I saw him on the street I would want to knock his teeth out. That's how good he is at being the abusive asshole boyfriend. He hates absolutely everything about everyone. He hates his friends, he hates his girlfriend's son and his retarded buddy, he hates her gay boss, he hates antique furniture and midgets. He's an incredibly miserable bastard. But he isn't a cartoon or cliche and that's why his character works so well. He's just an unbearable asshole.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: When he kicks everybody out of the house in spectacular fashion (seen below).
. . . and that brings us to our number one on-screen asshole . . . #1 Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future Trilogy There is something inherently assholey about the Tannen DNA. Biff's entire genealogy seems to be littered with aggressive bullies who can't properly make puns. No matter the time period Biff is an asshole. "What about sheepish Biff who waxes the car in the happy ending of the first movie? Surely he's not an asshole," you might say. Well that Biff grows up to be old asshole Biff who steals the time machine and gives young asshole Biff the sports almanac. And that act creates the horrifying alternate 1985. You can't keep a good asshole down. Biff is big, dumb, and cocky. And he's the numero uno movie asshole, butthead.
BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Murdering George McFly in alternate 1985.
