I LIKE LISTS: FATHER'S DAY EDITION PART 2 - THE REVENGE!

For Father's Day I had made a list of the worst onscreen dads. I suppose that wasn't quite in the spirit of the day. So here's the flip side: a list of the dads who go above and beyond the call of mandatory child support payments!





HONORABLE MENTION: The Inventor from Edward Scissorhands
I like The Inventor partially because he seems so kind and pleasant, but mostly because he's Vincent Price. The scene where he gives Edward hands for Christmas is the reason he's the Honorable Mention. Giving him scissors instead of hands in the first place is why he isn't even on the list. How do you expect Edward to wipe, you maniac?





#10: Thornton Melon from Back to School
The epitome of the American success story, he has good intentions and only wants the best for his son. He'll use his wealth to give his kid the opportunities and material possessions that he never had. Plus he hangs out with Burt Young, hires Kurt Vonnegut to do his homework, and can do the Triple Lindy.





#9: Mr. Malloy from Freddy Got Fingered
He always spends time with his son and politely tries to shelter him from the antics of his crazy neighbors. He has a moustache and a shiny bald head. He takes his little boy to a very fancy restaurant for his birthday and even lets him get cake! Yay!





#8: Furious Styles from Boyz N The Hood
First, Furious gets points for being there in the first place. He might be the only dad in the neighborhood that we see in the movie. Second, he teaches his son the importance of responsibility and education. He does his best to direct Tre away from the pitfalls of life on the streets but he also knows his son needs to make his own choices. And his name is Furious.





#7: Lincoln Hawk from Over The Top
If Over the Top teaches us anything it's that not even Robert Loggia and his money can stop Lincoln Hawk's love for his son. Maybe dad's been gone for ten years, kid, but your mom just died so you're running out of parental options. So saddle up and let's arm wrestle!





#6: Jack Butler from Mr. Mom
He's a trailblazer in the stay-at-home dad movement. What a crazy scenario at the time: a dad raises the kids while the mom works!?! Spit takes and fallen monocles across America. I honestly haven't seen this in years so my memory is a little foggy, but I seem to recall that he should be wary of Martin Mull who is trying to sleep with his wife.






#5: Mister Geppetto from Pinocchio
In some ways he is a very negligent father. He sends Pinocchio to school alone on his first day of being alive, for instance. But we can look past that and see a loving and caring man. It takes a great father to extend the search for your missing puppet-boy to the high seas. And when he is consumed by a whale, his thoughts are still focused on finding Pinocchio, the son he made with his own two hands.





#4: Damon Macready/Big Daddy from Kick Ass
No father has ever shot his daughter in the chest with as much love as Big Daddy. He teaches his little girl the ins and outs of crime fighting and killing but is still an old softy and can take her out for an ice cream. They spend quality time together shopping for weapons and seeking revenge.





#3: Ed Harley from Pumpkinhead
The entire plot of the movie hinges on Ed Harley's love for his son. There are scenes early on that present us with their relationship and in them we see an inseparable father and son. He can be strict, but never uncaring. He and his son are each other's world. So when some city slickers accidentally kill his boy, he is willing to sacrifice his own soul to conjure the demon of vengeance.





#2: Clark Griswold from the Vacation movies
Forever optimistic that he can realize some sort of romanticized Norman Rockwell American family moment, Clark Griswold endures the hardships of travel and family gatherings with a clenched smile. His goals are always family-oriented and he has a never say die attitude to family fun. No matter how elusive it may be.





#1: John Matrix from Commando
He's the greatest dad ever. He and his daughter live a tranquil life of tickling, fishing, swimming, practicing hand-to-hand combat, feeding the wildlife, and eating ice cream. But when some genius decides to kidnap his little girl, Matrix has to go on a killing rampage. He'll do whatever it takes to get his daughter back safe and sound.

I LIKE LISTS: FATHER'S DAY EDITION!

Since it's Father's Day I think we should make all of the real life fathers out there look a little better by comparison to these terrible movie dads. You don't like your pop? Well how would you like one of these assholes instead?






Honorable Mention: The Dads of The Breakfast Club
Whether they are overbearing or totally oblivious, the parents in The Breakfast Club have helped screw up their kids as much as any other aspect of high school life.







#10: William Munny from Unforgiven
He's a widower with two young kids and a small farm. So he takes off with some dudes to go kill some other dudes to collect the bounty on their heads. He basically leaves his kids alone to go off on a get rich quick scheme. Great movie, terrible dad.







#9: Bill from Kill Bill
He may have been a great dad at home with his little girl. That doesn't change the fact that he shot the mother of his child in the head when she was in the final stretch of her pregnancy.







#8: Jack Torrance from The Shining
He's got a short temper and had already hurt his son before the events of the movie. Add some cabin fever and some malevolent ghosts to push him over the edge and soon enough he's chasing his son with an ax. Happens to the best of us.







#7: Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects
If you came home to find that your wife had been raped and one of your children had been murdered by a Hungarian mob that wanted you out of town would you: a) salvage what's left of your family and repent your evil ways, b) go out fighting while trying to save your family, or c) kill your own wife and kid to send a message back to the message senders? Keyser Soze picked C.







#6: Ed Wilson from Natural Born Killers
He's abusive and lecherous to his daughter. He doesn't get much screen time but he makes the most of that time to let us all know that he's a repulsive man and horrible father. No respect, I tell ya. No respect.







#5: Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood
It's always a bad start to the father/son relationship when your only interest in having (AKA stealing) a son is to put forth a particular business image. All that H.W. is for his father is a marketing tool and a gimmick. By the time Daniel has reached the gutter of his madness, he dismisses his adopted boy as a "bastard in a basket" and severs ties. And he was always drinking H.W.'s milkshakes.







#4: Denethor from Return of the King
In the ultimate display of "Dad Liked You Better," Faramir leads troops on a suicide mission at his father's request to prove his love and allegiance. He does this even after Denethor admits that he wishes that Faramir was dead and that his brother, Boromir, was still alive. Then when Faramir comes home in need of serious medical attention Denethor decides to ignite his still breathing body in a funeral pyre.







#3: Karl's Dad from Sling Blade
What kind of dad has two thumbs and keeps his son in a dirt-floor shed outside the house and then one day hands him a box with an almost-aborted baby brother in it to bury alive out back? This dad!







#2: Darth Vader from That Movie About The Spaceships
Probably the most iconic deadbeat dad ever, Darth Vader blows up innocent planets, chops off his son's hand, threatens to corrupt both of his children's moral characters by bringing them to The Dark Side, and strangles people with his mind. He sounds kind of awesome. And he is. Until you learn of his whiny early years in the new trilogy. Either way, he's not parenting material. Come to think of it, he was a better father to C3PO (when he invented him as a child for some reason) than he was to either of his biological children and he ended up leaving him behind too. Vicious cycle.







#1: Daniel Hillard from Mrs. Doubtfire
Here's the deal if you're Daniel Hillard: Your wife divorces you because you are a bad father. So you dress up like an elderly woman to infiltrate the family again. You interfere in your ex-wife's love life and lie to your kids every time you see them. Then one night at a fancy dinner, you get hammered, try to kill Pierce Brosnan with cayenne pepper, and tear off your old woman face to traumatize your youngest daughter and hopefully scare your ex-wife into loving you again. This is the twisted psyche of a dangerous sociopath.



Happy Father's Day and thanks for reading!

I LIKE LISTS

TOP TEN MOVIE ASSHOLES!
There are characters that you love to hate and then there are characters that you hate to watch. It's a precarious tightrope walk for a character to be so much of an asshole that you hate him and yet be appealing enough to keep you watching and be entertained. Redeeming qualities be damned! Take a look at these ten A-plus A-holes:



HONORABLE MENTION
Bruce Campbell as "Snooty Usher" in Spiderman 2
Snooty Usher is the only fiend dastardly enough to defeat Spiderman in any of the three Spiderman movies. And he does it by exploiting his minimal amount of authority to its fullest. He's condescending and self important. And that makes for a great movie A-hole.




#10 Rodney Farva in Super Troopers
Rod Farva is a near perfect "asshole" character. He's loud and obnoxious. None of the other characters like or respect him. They barely tolerate him. Anywhere he goes he is bound to cause some sort of disruption. And yet he still thinks he is cooler, funnier, and smarter than everybody else. He's the asshole who thinks he's cool. And that makes for great entertainment.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Wearing his local cop uniform after getting the station shutdown. Not since the treasonous Benedict Arnold plotted to blah blah blah . . . But really it's when he sprays Schlitz everywhere yelling, "FARVA'S NUMBER ONE! FARVA'S NUMBER ONE!"




#9 Roland Alexander in Beyond The Mat
This guy is a tub of crap. An accountant who runs an indie wrestling school and promotion, he comes off as a con artist exploiting the dreams of some young aspiring pro wrestlers. Everything about him is sleazy. When he wells up some crocodile tears while thinking of the travesty of some of his students not having pro contracts it makes for one of the best parts of the movie.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Cut in directly after testimony from one of his wrestlers that they sometimes don't get paid at all is a clip of Alexander saying, "they're getting paid after every show and they're lovin' it." He goes on to talk about how generous he is with his payouts.




#8 Lester Diamond in Casino
Maybe he's more of a scumbag than an asshole, but I wanted to put him on the list anyway. He's the type of manipulative asshole that can wrap a girl around his finger while everyone else can't figure out what she sees in him. It's so much fun watching this character pretend to be more in control than he actually is. And besides, look at that moustache.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: While trying to plan Ginger's spiteful revenge on her husband by taking their daughter away from him, Lester deteriorates into frustration. The little girl shows him no respect and she can clearly see that this guy is a joke.
(And yes, I do realize Joe Pesci was technically a way bigger asshole in Casino. But let me say again in my defense: Look at that moustache.)




#7 Rostov in Invasion USA
Rostov might seem like any other action movie bad guy. He's a terrorist who wants to launch an armed invasion of the United States. He has henchmen at his disposal, a cold heart, and a score to settle with Chuck Norris. But where he differs from your standard action movie villain is that he seems to love shooting people multiple times directly in the penis.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Every time he shoots a guy twenty times in the pecker.




#6 Walter Peck in Ghostbusters
Walter Peck, the smug face of the EPA, is the kind of asshole who thinks he knows what's best for everybody else without actually knowing a thing. He just can't have faith that four guys with nuclear devices in New York City know what they are doing.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Shutting down the containment unit. And then he has the nerve to play the blame game with the Ghostbusters. It's true. This man has no dick. He must have had a run in with Rostov.




#5 Harry Cooper in Night of the Living Dead
Here is another guy who is so sure that he knows what's best for everyone else. He is stubborn to an extreme degree and the crisis at hand is only exacerbating his attitude. His wife clearly doesn't think much of him and neither does anybody else. But imagine how boring the movie would be without him there insisting that the basement was the safest place and that everybody else was an idiot. To his credit, he was kind of right about the basement.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Staying in the cellar for the first 40 minutes of the movie while Ben and Barbara fight for their lives and fortify the house could be construed as a strategic survival tactic, so I'm going to go with Ben kicking in the door to see Harry on his way to the cellar. Harry was caught red handed leaving Ben for (the) dead.




#4 Mr. Vernon in The Breakfast Club
Whereas Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off could be sympathetically seen as a man pushed to his limits by a renegade bad-seed teenager, I think Dick Vernon has some deeper issues driving him. Mr. Vernon abuses his power to intimidate his students. He's taking out his problems on these kids. He feels like a big man being master of his little world.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Begging for Bender to punch him.




#3 Captain Rhodes in Day of the Dead
Sometimes somebody can be such an asshole that his evisceration at the hands of the living dead is met with rapturous applause. Living underground with a small group that may be all that is left of humanity while millions of walking corpses roam topside can put a damper on anybody's attitude. But Captain Rhodes has officially lost his shit. He practically screams everything he says and what isn't shouted is spat through clenched teeth. He is trying to control an uncontrollable situation.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Commanding one of his men to shoot a woman who won't sit down.




#2 Doyle Hargraves in Slingblade
The first time I watched Dwight Yoakam in Slingblade I thought that if I saw him on the street I would want to knock his teeth out. That's how good he is at being the abusive asshole boyfriend. He hates absolutely everything about everyone. He hates his friends, he hates his girlfriend's son and his retarded buddy, he hates her gay boss, he hates antique furniture and midgets. He's an incredibly miserable bastard. But he isn't a cartoon or cliche and that's why his character works so well. He's just an unbearable asshole.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: When he kicks everybody out of the house in spectacular fashion (seen below).





. . . and that brings us to our number one on-screen asshole . . .

#1 Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future Trilogy
There is something inherently assholey about the Tannen DNA. Biff's entire genealogy seems to be littered with aggressive bullies who can't properly make puns. No matter the time period Biff is an asshole. "What about sheepish Biff who waxes the car in the happy ending of the first movie? Surely he's not an asshole," you might say. Well that Biff grows up to be old asshole Biff who steals the time machine and gives young asshole Biff the sports almanac. And that act creates the horrifying alternate 1985. You can't keep a good asshole down. Biff is big, dumb, and cocky. And he's the numero uno movie asshole, butthead.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Murdering George McFly in alternate 1985.