I LIKE MOVIES #16: THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA

The Satanic Rites of Dracula. Now there's a great title. It's pretty much a sequel to Dracula 1972 A.D. but instead of hip and groovy young people there is a cult of doughy old Englishmen and busty ladies working together to bring about a new plague. Dracula's big scheme is to take the entire world out in order end his own cursed existence. Van Helsing calls it "a last blaze of utter horror and violence, a ghastly annihilation of an entire planet." It's the ultimate murder suicide. And it's ironic that Cushing would be annihilating planets in Star Wars a few years later.

It has all the important ingredients of a 70s satanist/occult movie: pentagrams, black masses, old men in robes, blood, boobies, bad haircuts. But it also throws Dracula and Van Helsing into the mix for good measure. Peter Cushing once again gives an entertaining performance as Van Helsing. The more movies I see him in, the more I'm starting to believe he can do no wrong. Even if he is in the background of the most mundane scene, he can still grab my attention with something he's doing. He can deliver the absurdest of dialogue and make it seem authoritative.

Christopher Lee is back as Dracula. He gets to have fog machine assisted entrances and cool lighting but he also gets to sit behind a desk like a James Bond villain, which, coincidentally, he actually was in The Man With The Golden Gun.

I haven't seen all of the Lee/Cushing Dracula movies but I bet they all try to have a new twist on killing the bloodsucker. Stakes through the heart are fine and dandy the first time around. By the eleventh or twelfth outing it might get stale. So this time around we learn that Dracula gets really annoyed by thorns. Because Jesus wore a crown of thorns. And he didn't like it either. This information comes in handy when Van Helsing lures Dracula onto his own front lawn and through the big patch of prickly bushes. With all of the minions and henchmen that Dracula had in this movie you would think he would have had one of them do some landscaping around the compound. Maybe remove some of the things that are harmful to the eternal, blood-drinking undead. Instead Dracula gets tangle like a sap and Van Helsing stakes him.

Speaking of the minions . . . in addition to the pasty old Englishmen in robes Dracula has these guys who all wear matching sheep vests. One of them gets shot off of his motorcycle in an early scene and sends it crashing through a gate. It's pretty sweet. And we get a pretty good "guy on fire" stunt towards the end. For bonus points the guy on fire is simultaneously rotting away from the super bubonic plague.

There are also the brides of Dracula chained up in the cellar. Drac's big plan is to deplete his food source by ridding the world of humanity and possibly end his own existence. But if it doesn't work it will only be he and his wives living in an empty planet. He'll spend eternity doing "take my wife, please" jokes to an auditorium of skeletons he set up one afternoon. Hi yo!

I mentioned that thorns can hurt Dracula. Silver is also detrimental to a vampire's existence. Van Helsing gets an awesome scene where he makes his own silver bullet. He makes the tiniest little bullet you've ever seen. And then he loads it into the tiniest pistol you've ever seen. It's really funny. And of course Peter Cushing pulls it off and you believe he can go and kill Dracula using this thimble with a trigger. It's such a gentlemanly threat seeing Van Helsing with his teeny gun. High school girls with Hello Kitty backpacks would buy these tiny bullets at Newbury Comics because they deemed them "cute."

It's a 70s occult horror movie dressed as a 70s vampire movie. Check it out if that's your thing. Or if you are a fan of very little guns. I'll give The Satanic Rites of Dracula today's arbitrary rating of 9 tiny little silver bullets out of 15.

I LIKE ACTION EXTRAVAGANZAS!

Summer is over and Fall has officially fallen. I didn't get to the movies as much as I would have liked but that was partially due to the fact there weren't a lot of movies that warranted my eleven dollars per pop. Though the two movies that I looked forward to the most certainly did deliver.



The Expendables was my number one most anticipated movie of the Summer. It promised a lot and didn't let me down. What can I say at this point that hasn't already been said? Look at the cast and if you say to yourself, "this sounds like the greatest movie ever made," then certainly go see it. If you look at that cast and say, "aren't those guys old farts?" then go see it anyway. You might be surprised. Decades of action movie experience are put into this baby and it's done with care, love, and explosions. Now if you look at that cast and say, "this looks like the stupidest movie ever. I would never watch that in a million years," then we just don't see eye to eye, my friend (if I can indeed still call you that).

Story-wise The Expendables is a pretty straightforward movie. A team of elite tough dude mercenaries go to South America to overthrow a cruel puppet dictator whose strings are being pulled by smarmy American Eric Roberts. Blood is shed, things are blown up, quips are made, fights are had, America wins. Certainly a great time at the movie theater. I'm so glad to see Stallone's recent track record looking so strong and seeing Dolph Lundgren on the big screen was a treat. The Expendables gets a billion blown up bad dudes out of a billion. Bring on the sequel.



Machete was a movie I had been waiting for since the phony trailer in Grindhouse. Did it deliver? In many ways yes. It's main flaw was that it was almost too ambitious. Whereas it should have been more like Desperado, it was actually more like Once Upon A Time in Mexico. Now if that is the main complaint, then we are still dealing with a great piece of entertainment. It opened strong right out of the gate but it lacked the stylistic flairs that should have permeated the entire affair. In a way it felt more modern then it should have. And the ending battle felt a little anticlimactic.

But the goods outnumber the bads here, for sure. First of all, Danny Trejo in a starring role gives it points. Robert Deniro having fun hamming it up as a corrupt senator also gives it points. Jeff Fahey as the villain with the most face time, holding the ship on a steady course, definitely gets points. Steven Seagal's last scene most certainly gets points. Combine all that with over the top violence, commentary on border issues, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and Danny Trejo bedding every woman he encounters like James Bond and you have a recipe for a good time at the movies. Once again I'll say, "bring on the sequel." Trejo is ready and able to be a leading man, especially in exploitation-style action movies. I can see him taking up the Golan Globus-era Charles Bronson mantle.

Machete gets my arbitrary rating of 870 Danny Trejo face creases out of 963.


Oh I almost forgot. The A Team came out this summer as well.



I'll put it this way. If you like the show, you'll enjoy the movie. Unless of course you love the show and you can't imagine a world without Dirk Benedict. It was an excellent popcorn action movie. The characters were pretty spot on, although I found B.A. Baracus a little forgettable. So you have Darkman, Handsome Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, and a guy with Mr. T's haircut and a lot of explosions and witty banter. It's either the kind of movie you'll like for what it is or you won't. Did you see the trailer? If you saw a tank being parachuted out of a plane and thought it was a great idea, then this movie is right up your alley. And tanks shooting down planes while falling from the sky is definitely up my alley. That's an idea I can get behind.

The A Team was a fun action movie that tided me over while I waited for The Expendables. Once again . . . bring on the sequel. As Long as Darkman is still in it. My arbitrary rating system gives The A Team 17 plans coming together out of 21.