I LIKE LISTS

TOP TEN MOVIE ASSHOLES!
There are characters that you love to hate and then there are characters that you hate to watch. It's a precarious tightrope walk for a character to be so much of an asshole that you hate him and yet be appealing enough to keep you watching and be entertained. Redeeming qualities be damned! Take a look at these ten A-plus A-holes:



HONORABLE MENTION
Bruce Campbell as "Snooty Usher" in Spiderman 2
Snooty Usher is the only fiend dastardly enough to defeat Spiderman in any of the three Spiderman movies. And he does it by exploiting his minimal amount of authority to its fullest. He's condescending and self important. And that makes for a great movie A-hole.




#10 Rodney Farva in Super Troopers
Rod Farva is a near perfect "asshole" character. He's loud and obnoxious. None of the other characters like or respect him. They barely tolerate him. Anywhere he goes he is bound to cause some sort of disruption. And yet he still thinks he is cooler, funnier, and smarter than everybody else. He's the asshole who thinks he's cool. And that makes for great entertainment.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Wearing his local cop uniform after getting the station shutdown. Not since the treasonous Benedict Arnold plotted to blah blah blah . . . But really it's when he sprays Schlitz everywhere yelling, "FARVA'S NUMBER ONE! FARVA'S NUMBER ONE!"




#9 Roland Alexander in Beyond The Mat
This guy is a tub of crap. An accountant who runs an indie wrestling school and promotion, he comes off as a con artist exploiting the dreams of some young aspiring pro wrestlers. Everything about him is sleazy. When he wells up some crocodile tears while thinking of the travesty of some of his students not having pro contracts it makes for one of the best parts of the movie.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Cut in directly after testimony from one of his wrestlers that they sometimes don't get paid at all is a clip of Alexander saying, "they're getting paid after every show and they're lovin' it." He goes on to talk about how generous he is with his payouts.




#8 Lester Diamond in Casino
Maybe he's more of a scumbag than an asshole, but I wanted to put him on the list anyway. He's the type of manipulative asshole that can wrap a girl around his finger while everyone else can't figure out what she sees in him. It's so much fun watching this character pretend to be more in control than he actually is. And besides, look at that moustache.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: While trying to plan Ginger's spiteful revenge on her husband by taking their daughter away from him, Lester deteriorates into frustration. The little girl shows him no respect and she can clearly see that this guy is a joke.
(And yes, I do realize Joe Pesci was technically a way bigger asshole in Casino. But let me say again in my defense: Look at that moustache.)




#7 Rostov in Invasion USA
Rostov might seem like any other action movie bad guy. He's a terrorist who wants to launch an armed invasion of the United States. He has henchmen at his disposal, a cold heart, and a score to settle with Chuck Norris. But where he differs from your standard action movie villain is that he seems to love shooting people multiple times directly in the penis.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Every time he shoots a guy twenty times in the pecker.




#6 Walter Peck in Ghostbusters
Walter Peck, the smug face of the EPA, is the kind of asshole who thinks he knows what's best for everybody else without actually knowing a thing. He just can't have faith that four guys with nuclear devices in New York City know what they are doing.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Shutting down the containment unit. And then he has the nerve to play the blame game with the Ghostbusters. It's true. This man has no dick. He must have had a run in with Rostov.




#5 Harry Cooper in Night of the Living Dead
Here is another guy who is so sure that he knows what's best for everyone else. He is stubborn to an extreme degree and the crisis at hand is only exacerbating his attitude. His wife clearly doesn't think much of him and neither does anybody else. But imagine how boring the movie would be without him there insisting that the basement was the safest place and that everybody else was an idiot. To his credit, he was kind of right about the basement.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Staying in the cellar for the first 40 minutes of the movie while Ben and Barbara fight for their lives and fortify the house could be construed as a strategic survival tactic, so I'm going to go with Ben kicking in the door to see Harry on his way to the cellar. Harry was caught red handed leaving Ben for (the) dead.




#4 Mr. Vernon in The Breakfast Club
Whereas Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off could be sympathetically seen as a man pushed to his limits by a renegade bad-seed teenager, I think Dick Vernon has some deeper issues driving him. Mr. Vernon abuses his power to intimidate his students. He's taking out his problems on these kids. He feels like a big man being master of his little world.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Begging for Bender to punch him.




#3 Captain Rhodes in Day of the Dead
Sometimes somebody can be such an asshole that his evisceration at the hands of the living dead is met with rapturous applause. Living underground with a small group that may be all that is left of humanity while millions of walking corpses roam topside can put a damper on anybody's attitude. But Captain Rhodes has officially lost his shit. He practically screams everything he says and what isn't shouted is spat through clenched teeth. He is trying to control an uncontrollable situation.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Commanding one of his men to shoot a woman who won't sit down.




#2 Doyle Hargraves in Slingblade
The first time I watched Dwight Yoakam in Slingblade I thought that if I saw him on the street I would want to knock his teeth out. That's how good he is at being the abusive asshole boyfriend. He hates absolutely everything about everyone. He hates his friends, he hates his girlfriend's son and his retarded buddy, he hates her gay boss, he hates antique furniture and midgets. He's an incredibly miserable bastard. But he isn't a cartoon or cliche and that's why his character works so well. He's just an unbearable asshole.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: When he kicks everybody out of the house in spectacular fashion (seen below).





. . . and that brings us to our number one on-screen asshole . . .

#1 Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future Trilogy
There is something inherently assholey about the Tannen DNA. Biff's entire genealogy seems to be littered with aggressive bullies who can't properly make puns. No matter the time period Biff is an asshole. "What about sheepish Biff who waxes the car in the happy ending of the first movie? Surely he's not an asshole," you might say. Well that Biff grows up to be old asshole Biff who steals the time machine and gives young asshole Biff the sports almanac. And that act creates the horrifying alternate 1985. You can't keep a good asshole down. Biff is big, dumb, and cocky. And he's the numero uno movie asshole, butthead.

BIGGEST ASSHOLE MOMENT: Murdering George McFly in alternate 1985.