I'm going to try to do this without making any train jokes. Here we go.
Horror Express is a great fix if you are hankering for a 70s European creature feature. It's a Spanish/British production starring Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as scientists on a train travelling through China and Russia at the turn of the 20th century. Rivals at first, they end up having to work together to fight a thawed-out prehistoric humanoid monster that absorbs passengers' minds through their eyeballs.
Christopher Lee is Prof. Saxton. He finds a fossil that he thinks is the missing link and will prove evolution as fact to all the doubters. Unfortunately, the fossil was possessed by an evil alien being millions of years ago and is still alive in the ice. Like Encino Man. It thaws out and starts draining people's brains until they are utterly barren of memory or thought and are dead. Like Encino Man.
Lucky for the monster, a thieving locksmith tries to open his crate. The monster absorbs his mind and is now himself a master lock picker. Now he can get himself out of his box and wander the train cars. It's kind of funny seeing a brown, hairy monster hand delicately picking a lock. The next victim is a train steward with huge Irish-guy sideburns. Rather than the monster getting sideburns from this attack, he acquires the man's trademark "whistling of the movie's theme song."
The victims look really cool. After having their minds sucked out, they are left with bulging, bleeding white eyes. Considering this movie was made in 1972, when contact lenses were actually the size of dinner plates, this couldn't have been an easy visual to create. The other option is that they had to build the effect on top of the actor's eyes. Either way, it is visually effective. They look like less crusty versions of the demons from Evil Dead.
For an audience in 1972, the scene in the picture above was probably the equivalent of the part in The Ring when they open the closet door and you see this sexy lady:
Peter Cushing, while trying to use some of his smooth English charm on an attractive young lady who turns out to be an international spy in an unnecessary sidestory, gets grabbed by the monster. Lucky for him he did not look into its glowing red eye. Not so lucky was the inspector who saved him. He succeeded in shooting the monster but little did he know the alien beast had a trick up its monster sleeve. Not only can it take your mind, but it can apparently also take your body. So the monster is now in the inspector.
So now it's like The Thing and no one on the train knows who the monster is. Telly Savalas shows up and hams up the joint and all Hell breaks loose. The monster had another trick up his monster sleeve. Not only can he take minds and jump bodies, but he can also create zombies from his victims. This is a shocking turn of events indeed!
Well, I've ruined a lot of the movie for you now, but check it out anyway. It also has a mad monk, skull-sawing autopsies, and a few good mustaches. And an alien trying to get back to his home planet. Like E.T. if he were a total dick.
Horror Express gets today's arbitrary rating of two and three quarter monster hands out of five.
Looks like I did it. No train jokes. I hope it wasn't boring. That you weren't bored. Aboard. All aboard. Trains.
Dammit.
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