I LIKE LISTS: FATHER'S DAY EDITION PART 2 - THE REVENGE!

For Father's Day I had made a list of the worst onscreen dads. I suppose that wasn't quite in the spirit of the day. So here's the flip side: a list of the dads who go above and beyond the call of mandatory child support payments!





HONORABLE MENTION: The Inventor from Edward Scissorhands
I like The Inventor partially because he seems so kind and pleasant, but mostly because he's Vincent Price. The scene where he gives Edward hands for Christmas is the reason he's the Honorable Mention. Giving him scissors instead of hands in the first place is why he isn't even on the list. How do you expect Edward to wipe, you maniac?





#10: Thornton Melon from Back to School
The epitome of the American success story, he has good intentions and only wants the best for his son. He'll use his wealth to give his kid the opportunities and material possessions that he never had. Plus he hangs out with Burt Young, hires Kurt Vonnegut to do his homework, and can do the Triple Lindy.





#9: Mr. Malloy from Freddy Got Fingered
He always spends time with his son and politely tries to shelter him from the antics of his crazy neighbors. He has a moustache and a shiny bald head. He takes his little boy to a very fancy restaurant for his birthday and even lets him get cake! Yay!





#8: Furious Styles from Boyz N The Hood
First, Furious gets points for being there in the first place. He might be the only dad in the neighborhood that we see in the movie. Second, he teaches his son the importance of responsibility and education. He does his best to direct Tre away from the pitfalls of life on the streets but he also knows his son needs to make his own choices. And his name is Furious.





#7: Lincoln Hawk from Over The Top
If Over the Top teaches us anything it's that not even Robert Loggia and his money can stop Lincoln Hawk's love for his son. Maybe dad's been gone for ten years, kid, but your mom just died so you're running out of parental options. So saddle up and let's arm wrestle!





#6: Jack Butler from Mr. Mom
He's a trailblazer in the stay-at-home dad movement. What a crazy scenario at the time: a dad raises the kids while the mom works!?! Spit takes and fallen monocles across America. I honestly haven't seen this in years so my memory is a little foggy, but I seem to recall that he should be wary of Martin Mull who is trying to sleep with his wife.






#5: Mister Geppetto from Pinocchio
In some ways he is a very negligent father. He sends Pinocchio to school alone on his first day of being alive, for instance. But we can look past that and see a loving and caring man. It takes a great father to extend the search for your missing puppet-boy to the high seas. And when he is consumed by a whale, his thoughts are still focused on finding Pinocchio, the son he made with his own two hands.





#4: Damon Macready/Big Daddy from Kick Ass
No father has ever shot his daughter in the chest with as much love as Big Daddy. He teaches his little girl the ins and outs of crime fighting and killing but is still an old softy and can take her out for an ice cream. They spend quality time together shopping for weapons and seeking revenge.





#3: Ed Harley from Pumpkinhead
The entire plot of the movie hinges on Ed Harley's love for his son. There are scenes early on that present us with their relationship and in them we see an inseparable father and son. He can be strict, but never uncaring. He and his son are each other's world. So when some city slickers accidentally kill his boy, he is willing to sacrifice his own soul to conjure the demon of vengeance.





#2: Clark Griswold from the Vacation movies
Forever optimistic that he can realize some sort of romanticized Norman Rockwell American family moment, Clark Griswold endures the hardships of travel and family gatherings with a clenched smile. His goals are always family-oriented and he has a never say die attitude to family fun. No matter how elusive it may be.





#1: John Matrix from Commando
He's the greatest dad ever. He and his daughter live a tranquil life of tickling, fishing, swimming, practicing hand-to-hand combat, feeding the wildlife, and eating ice cream. But when some genius decides to kidnap his little girl, Matrix has to go on a killing rampage. He'll do whatever it takes to get his daughter back safe and sound.

I LIKE LISTS: FATHER'S DAY EDITION!

Since it's Father's Day I think we should make all of the real life fathers out there look a little better by comparison to these terrible movie dads. You don't like your pop? Well how would you like one of these assholes instead?






Honorable Mention: The Dads of The Breakfast Club
Whether they are overbearing or totally oblivious, the parents in The Breakfast Club have helped screw up their kids as much as any other aspect of high school life.







#10: William Munny from Unforgiven
He's a widower with two young kids and a small farm. So he takes off with some dudes to go kill some other dudes to collect the bounty on their heads. He basically leaves his kids alone to go off on a get rich quick scheme. Great movie, terrible dad.







#9: Bill from Kill Bill
He may have been a great dad at home with his little girl. That doesn't change the fact that he shot the mother of his child in the head when she was in the final stretch of her pregnancy.







#8: Jack Torrance from The Shining
He's got a short temper and had already hurt his son before the events of the movie. Add some cabin fever and some malevolent ghosts to push him over the edge and soon enough he's chasing his son with an ax. Happens to the best of us.







#7: Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects
If you came home to find that your wife had been raped and one of your children had been murdered by a Hungarian mob that wanted you out of town would you: a) salvage what's left of your family and repent your evil ways, b) go out fighting while trying to save your family, or c) kill your own wife and kid to send a message back to the message senders? Keyser Soze picked C.







#6: Ed Wilson from Natural Born Killers
He's abusive and lecherous to his daughter. He doesn't get much screen time but he makes the most of that time to let us all know that he's a repulsive man and horrible father. No respect, I tell ya. No respect.







#5: Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood
It's always a bad start to the father/son relationship when your only interest in having (AKA stealing) a son is to put forth a particular business image. All that H.W. is for his father is a marketing tool and a gimmick. By the time Daniel has reached the gutter of his madness, he dismisses his adopted boy as a "bastard in a basket" and severs ties. And he was always drinking H.W.'s milkshakes.







#4: Denethor from Return of the King
In the ultimate display of "Dad Liked You Better," Faramir leads troops on a suicide mission at his father's request to prove his love and allegiance. He does this even after Denethor admits that he wishes that Faramir was dead and that his brother, Boromir, was still alive. Then when Faramir comes home in need of serious medical attention Denethor decides to ignite his still breathing body in a funeral pyre.







#3: Karl's Dad from Sling Blade
What kind of dad has two thumbs and keeps his son in a dirt-floor shed outside the house and then one day hands him a box with an almost-aborted baby brother in it to bury alive out back? This dad!







#2: Darth Vader from That Movie About The Spaceships
Probably the most iconic deadbeat dad ever, Darth Vader blows up innocent planets, chops off his son's hand, threatens to corrupt both of his children's moral characters by bringing them to The Dark Side, and strangles people with his mind. He sounds kind of awesome. And he is. Until you learn of his whiny early years in the new trilogy. Either way, he's not parenting material. Come to think of it, he was a better father to C3PO (when he invented him as a child for some reason) than he was to either of his biological children and he ended up leaving him behind too. Vicious cycle.







#1: Daniel Hillard from Mrs. Doubtfire
Here's the deal if you're Daniel Hillard: Your wife divorces you because you are a bad father. So you dress up like an elderly woman to infiltrate the family again. You interfere in your ex-wife's love life and lie to your kids every time you see them. Then one night at a fancy dinner, you get hammered, try to kill Pierce Brosnan with cayenne pepper, and tear off your old woman face to traumatize your youngest daughter and hopefully scare your ex-wife into loving you again. This is the twisted psyche of a dangerous sociopath.



Happy Father's Day and thanks for reading!

I LIKE MOVIES #15: HARRY BROWN

When I saw the trailer for Harry Brown my first impression was that somebody had remade Death Wish 3 with Michael Caine without telling him what they were up to. That assessment is not too far off. Most vigilante movies are running similar courses anyway but the plot as presented in the preview was particularly Death Wish 3-ish. A man on the higher numerical spectrum of believable action heroes becomes a vigilante after his good friend is killed by the street toughs. In Death Wish 3 it's wonderfully cartoony and it is one of the most entertaining experiences you will have with your friends at Golan-Globus. In Harry Brown everything is darker and grimmer. It was like they took the plot of Death Wish 3 and ran it through the grittier atmosphere of the first Death Wish.

Harry Brown opens with a pretty hard hitting scene. Shot in the point of view of a thug's cell phone camera, we get a visceral introduction to the neighborhood. It is a world where senseless violence prevails. The heart of this world is a pedestrian walkway where the gang can be seen by day and heard from its innards at night. Harry Brown has to go out of his way everyday when he visits his wife in the hospital.

His wife passes away and shortly after his only friend, another old timer, gets killed by the gang. This is where the movie steps away from most vigilante cliches. Harry Brown doesn't dwell on these facts and slowly become violent against his nature. Harry embraces what he has been in the past and falls back very easily into violence. He used to be a soldier but once he met his wife he quit his violent tendencies cold turkey. Now without her there, he comfortably relapses. After his first incident with one of the gang members, Harry is not the embodiment of panicked nerves and crying remorse that we have seen in countless vigilante tales. He covers his tracks carefully and relies on the anonymity of the elderly.

Violence as a drug is a theme that runs throughout the movie. So much so that we see a whithered junkie fire a gun and then smoke his stash right through the barrel. The movie is about Harry's relapse and society's addiction. And these addictions escalate throughout the movie.

And as for that whithered junkie I mentioned, he is one of the creepiest looking guys you'll find in a movie like this. His skeletal frame was covered with nasty veins, bruises, and track marks. He looked a lot like Billy Drago if he was dying of AIDS.

Michael Caine does a very good job and is believable in his role, which was a concern I had going in. He lends credibility and depth to what could be a very standard vigilante movie. He only gets about two or three scenes to give us a picture of his decades-long marriage and he nails it. He not only delivers the emotional hook but the action as well. They don't overdo it. They keep it realistic. Harry is an old man with emphysema. He's not doing back flips off roofs or anything. Although I would have loved to see that movie too.

If you like vigilante movies, then there is no reason you shouldn't check this out. And I hope Christopher Nolan is paying attention, because I think it's time Batman learns what his butler is capable of. I give Harry Brown today's arbitrary rating of 9 arthritic trigger fingers out of 11.

I LIKE MOVIES #14: DRACULA DOUBLE FEATURE

I'll take a short break from packing up my house to quickly write about the Dracula Double Feature I treated myself to last week. First up was Horror of Dracula, the first movie for Christopher Lee to suck blood as the famous vampire. If you are familiar with the basic Dracula story or have seen other Dracula movies then you will know what to expect plotwise. The scenery and the performances are what make this one stand out as something special.

As big a fan I am of the classic Universal monster movies, I must admit I have never really delved into the Hammer horror movies. I think I am going to enjoy digging into their catalogue in the future. Christopher Lee is probably the most famous Dracula aside from Bela Legosi so I was very interested to see his take on it. To my surprise, he gives a very restrained, natural persona to the Count (when he isn't in blood thirsty vampire mode, that is). There was no booming bass in his voice to which I've grown accustomed from Lee. His stately demeanor allowed the transformation to be much more startling when his red eyes glare over his protruding fangs.

The real star of the show, though, is Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. He has a cocky coolness to him and carries the movie. He's so cool that when it comes time for Van Helsing and Drac to throw down at the end, you kind of feel that Dracula doesn't stand a chance. Van Helsing is seemingly the only guy on the planet who knows what he's doing when it comes to fighting a vampire. I had complete faith in him. Dracula's toast. (That means Dracula is toast. It is not a cross promotional breakfast treat)



But Drac isn't toast for too long since Dracula AD 1972 sees the Count resurrected in London.



Since I haven't seen the numerous other Christopher Lee Dracula movies, I don't know how much continuity there is between them, but this stands alone well enough. Something tells me this was a last straw, out-of-the-box attempt to get the swinging London kids interested in spending their time and money on Dracula. I wonder if, at the time, sending Dracula to the 70s was like sending Jason to space?

In Dracula AD 1972, a group of groovy kids are hanging out, being hip, looking to do something really boss. One of these kids just happens to have the last name Van Helsing. And her grandfather just happens to be Peter Cushing. Another kid in the group happens to be a Dracula minion and is determined to resurrect his master. You see, several generations ago Dracula and Van Helsing were having an epic fight on top of a runaway horse-drawn carriage. Van Helsing gets the win and Dracula gets buried in holy ground.

When Dracula gets woken up he realizes how delicious Van Helsing's ancestors would be. He wants to eat Peter Cushing's busty 1970s granddaughter. An awesome 70s soundtrack plays while the Van Helsings and Dracula do their eternal dance. It's pretty fun.

I enjoyed my Dracula Double Feature and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the Hammer horror movies. I'll the give the entire late night experience today's arbitrary rating of 4 stakes through the heart out of 5.



Bonus Cool Italian Poster