I LIKE LAWSUIT EVASION

What you are looking at may seem half-assed, but I assure you it is deceptively whole-assed. While on a cross country road trip this summer I saw many amazing sights. I saw the splendor of the American landscape, including but not limited to the purple mountains' majesty and amber waves of grain. I also saw a lot of rest stops. Some of these could be deemed more interesting than others, but the vast majority of them all had one thing in common: vending machines.

What seemed like any ordinary vending machine item caught my eye and made me look twice. It was the low budget enthusiasm of that unibrowed geek featured on the sign. Novelty teeth are nothing new. But this guy was giving it his all and earned my attention. Now, as we all know, Billy Bob Brand Teeth have had the coveted "novelty mouth prosthetic" market cornered for years! But here is this young upstart with the entrepreneurial American Spirit! You might not be able to tell because of the framing of the picture, but these are not Billy Bob teeth. These are Jimmy Bob teeth. God bless the USA!

The ole Billy Bob/Jimmy Bob switcheroo wasn't even the reason I snapped this picture. What makes this whole advertisement so genius is the red square in the top right corner. What at first appears to be a standard "AS SEEN ON TV" label that can be found on countless items from Chia Pets to Slap Chops is actually a "LIKE ONES SEEN ON TV" label. The implication of this impostor logo is that someone out there possibly has ownership and copyright of the red "AS SEEN ON TV" square. That's not entirely shocking. But the lengths that the Jimmy Bob Corporation has gone to in all aspects of its imitations are incredible. Imitation name, imitation "AS SEEN ON TV" sign, imitation-imitation teeth . . .



The other reason for this logo would be that the folks at Jimmy Bob Teeth never got the crucial television advertising time since they were being strong-armed out of the market place by those bastards over at Billy Bob. So they just attached themselves to the rising star in the gimmick denture business. They let Billy Bob take the losses on advertising and then Jimmy Bob swings in to rake in the cash while claiming his teeth are just as zany as those Billy Bob ones you see the commercials for all the time. Because God knows I can't get through an episode of Designing Women without being bombarded by Billy Bob Teeth commercials. Jimmy Bob tells no lies. These are indeed like those teeth that I have seen on TV. And, truthfully, they are not the ones I saw on TV.

Bless you, Jimmy Bob, for your commitment to whole-assing a half-assed project. Live your American Dream.