Centuries ago, Bull Shannon was banished from his homeland of Spain for committing sacrificial atrocities in honor of his Dark Lord, Satan. In 1981 Clint Howard summoned of all those Satanic powers to exact revenge on some harsh military school bullies. And that is the basic gist of Evilspeak. It's kind of like Carrie, only with Clint Howard instead of Sissy Spacek.
Clint Howard plays Stanley Coopersmith, an orphaned attendee of a military academy that is seemingly populated entirely by assholes and douche bags. He has two friends in this movie. And one of them is this guy . . .
Everyone seems to pick on poor Coopersmith for reasons ranging from his being a poor soccer player to his general Clint Howardy-ness. It's not just the bullies either. The chaplain's a prick. The German accented teacher is a prick. The secretary's a prick. But no one can touch Sarge the Janitor on the prick-scale. He's in his own league. This guy's in his own world. And that world is filled with grit, grime, alcohol, and the brimming desire to intimidate Clint Howard.
Coopersmith has been sent to help ol' Sarge clean out the basement of the ancient chapel as punishment for being Clint Howard. Sarge, the grizzled old misanthrope that he is, gets pissed immediately. I don't know if he's mad because he's being forced to hang out with Clint Howard against his will or he's just angry about everything all the time, but he comes to terms with the situation when he realizes he can lay down on his cot and drink while some ugly kid does all of his work. He kind of makes random appearances here and there throughout the course of the movie to interrogate Coopersmith about his missing crowbar. You, the viewers at home, and I know he took it. The Sarge, however, is burdened by lack of proof.
Eventually Sarge barges into Coopersmith's den of Devil worship and Satan summoning only to find . . . you guessed it . . . HIS CROWBAR! He barely questions why Clint Howard is hanging out in the basement and totally disregards the thousands of lit candles and the world's first computer, but by some divine power his attention is drawn right to that crowbar. He pushes Coopersmith aside and storms into the room and declares, "THERE'S MY FUCKIN' CROWBAR!" My words do his proclamation no justice. His delivery deserves accompanying strikes of lightning, organ music, and Oscar nominations.
Coopersmith said he didn't have it before. Now here it is. Clint Howard caught red handed with Sarge's effin' crowbar. But Sarge isn't all smiles and hugs now that he's been reunited with his precious prybar. He's crushed that Clint Howard wouldn't shoot straight with him. Clint broke the poor guy's heart. Look at the hurt on his face.
Well needless to say Sarge gets upset and attacks Coopersmith in what might have been an eventual rape attempt, though I would like to believe Sarge would never do such a thing. In my mind he was just going to rough Clint up a little bit as reprimand for pilfering his prybar. Either way, before any ill fate can befall Coopersmith, evil devil powers turn Sarge's head, literally. His neck was either horribly broken or the evil spirits just turned his shirt backwards. He comes back later as a zombie doing the evil will of the demonic tag team of Clint Howard and Richard Moll. And that's his story.
Kudos to you, Sarge. In a movie with Clint Howard on roller skates, a shirtless maternal mess hall cook, man eating pigs, a reanimated fetus, and a Satan worshipping Richard Moll, you still managed to be the weirdest thing in the movie. But it's ok. I like weird things.
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